We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
