He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
