i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Your cock deserves a montage
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
