well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
