you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
