Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO