My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.