i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
