Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
