Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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