I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
