Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
