I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
