No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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