Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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