i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
