Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
