Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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