I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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