I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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