Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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