currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
