I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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