it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
