i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
