the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
