I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
