I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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