We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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