toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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