Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
