Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
