Im at strip club and am horny
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
