what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize