I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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