I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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