the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
