I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
