Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
