I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
