Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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