a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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