JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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