whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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