The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
