Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
