you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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