Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
