So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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