I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
