now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
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