Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
