and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
