You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
