I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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