I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
