I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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