About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
