So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
