Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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