I love black thongs
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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