Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
