omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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