You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
