fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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